Apollo Creed and Jackie Joyner-Kersee's Manchild

So the NBA Finals start tonight. This poses one of the most intriguing match-ups in NBA history. I know what your thinking, The Bron James and Bruce Bowen. (LeBron is French for "The Bron." This isn't France.)


No. The most interesting match-up of this series is in fact two players that don't match up against each other: The Bron James and Tim Duncan.


We've been watching The Bron since he was a sophomore in high school. We know that he is the next superstar. He's a physically imposing 6'8 250 who can jump really high. I mean, really high. He takes his game to a new level of excitement with his size, speed and athleticism.


His counterpart, Duncan, is about as exciting as a cheap, brown fold up table. Is he one of the best players in NBA history? Yes. Is he the most un-ntertaining? Yes. The man has a higher layup/yawn ratio of any other NBA player in the last two decades behind James "Buddha" Edwards and The Microwave. So watching these two superstars on the biggest stage, with two completely different styles should be...interesting.


I don't believe that The Bron is a real person. He's 22...been in the league for a few years, and the guy is 6'8 250. The only answer to this is that he was born from Apollo Creed having a slumber party with Jackie Joyner-Kersee. To have the physical stature which James has been given, you can't come from a 5'8 guy and a lady who is 4'11 3/4 (needless to say, my hoops career was over long before it started).


Creed and Joyner-Kersee are the only two logical candidates to produce such a being (this has nothing to do with Carl Weathers). Creed, one time heavyweight champion of the world was as graceful in the ring as he was powerful. His build was beyond imposing upon opposing fighters. But it was his ability to be a showman which too has rubbed off on his illegitimate child, The Bron. Keep in mind that The Bron was born on December 30, 1984...before Creed was murdered by Ivan Drago. (note-had James skin tone been a different pigment, Drago would be the obvious father. That savage Commie bastard. I hate his girlfriend, and I think her mullet was better than Swayzee's.)


Joyner-Kersee added to The Bron that full on athletic prowess. As a gold medalist in the heptathlon, plenty of athletic genes got to her manchild of a son. Keep in mind that The Bron was the second highest football recruit out of Ohio his senior year of high school as a wide receiver. Imagine Calvin Johnson, but bigger, taller, and jumping higher. You don't want that. At 5'9, neither does Nate Clements. If James kept with football, he would be a good eight inches taller than most NFL DB's. His highlight tape was sick. Oh, and who was the number one player from Ohio? Ever head of Maurice Clarrett? Neither has The Bron.


The Bron James cannot be real. The only legit scenario for his existence is above. If only Apollo was here to see The Bron go into the finals for the first time. However, just like in Rocky 1, the challenger doesn't have a chance.

Sweet Pose. Everyone hates you.