Dearest A-Rod,

Thank you so much for your time spent as a legitimate home run hitter. In those days, everyone, besides us, thought of you as a great, pure player who could simply crush baseballs and would eventually put away any thoughts of a steroid using home run king.
The question is now...where are you going to go from here? You aren't going to say anything remotely educated to the media about this and because you have the largest contract in sports history, this whole thing isn't going to go away. And since you're such a jackass who can never say the right thing, your ability to be hated by everyone is just going to increase, when you thought it couldn't get any worse.
What, is the excuse now that you weren't on the juice in the post season? That's why you couldn't produce at crunch time? See, the thing is you're so stupid that you'd probably come out and say that yourself.
What kills us, A-Rod, about this whole thing is that No Owens has talked before about how you were a great hitter before home runs mattered to you. When you were a skinny shortstop with range who competed for batting titles...remember those days? You could have gone down as one of the greatest players ever, without the jacks. Now, you're going to go down as the biggest joke and phony in the history of America's greatest game.
You know what? We're not sorry. Sure, you were on the juice at a time when players weren't getting suspended...at least that's when you tested positive or at least the only time we know about. I hope Madonna has a spiritual answer to your problems.
Sincerely,
Everyone