Necessary Posting

Yesterday was a truly amazing day in sports history. If anyone reading this doesn't know why, stop reading my page. I'm serious.

I will say that the NBA Draft last night was semi-entertaining. Odom went first, Durant second, and a bunch of trades later it wasn't that bad. Aside from the fact that I now am going to have to cope with the fact that Joakim Noah is a Chicago Bull, and not throw myself through this mystifying fifth story window, it was all good.

That doesn't even come close to scratch to the other things that happened yesterday. The 3,000 Hit Club alongside the 500 Home Run Club initiated a couple new members last night after Craig Biggio and The Big Hurt Frank Thomas both reached their respective milestones.

First of all, I would like to congratulate these two guys. Secondly, I would like to say that Frank, who spent most of his career with the White Sox, and Biggio, who's spent his entire career with the Astros, have been my adversaries since about '89. I root against them, I don't like them, but today, I will congratulate their accomplishments as important pieces of baseball history.

People are talking about how 500 home runs doesn't mean anything anymore. If 500 homers wasn't all that important...if it didn't mean as much as it did...where is the line drawn? Because last I looked, we've talked about the very few guys with 600 and I am sure sometime in the next month or so we will be talking about the 700's. 500 home runs stands for consistency, longevity, and most importantly, value. Say you play for 20 years in the Major Leagues. That's more than just about anyone...but if you hit 500 homers, that means you averaged 25 a year. That means, your team, can count on you to put those numbers up year in, year out. That's consistency, and consistency as a player leads to your value. We take for granted the slumps that guys go in and where they end up. Why? We know their value, their consistency. Remember when Ryan Howard was swinging at air earlier this season? Well he quietly has 18 homers...as much as the also previously slumping Gary Sheffield. We know their going to hit because of their consistency, and The Big Hurt has made a living in his later years with the respect that clubs have for him...knowing that he's going to come up and give them close to 30 as a DH.

Remember that in the mid-90's, Frank Thomas was the best hitter in the American League, if not the Majors. That does pain me to say, but it's true. Yes, better than Griffey. More feared than Griffey. Something tells me that today, you still don't want to see him in the box.

There's a reason why I value Craig Biggio getting 3,000 hits more than you would think. Actually, there are a couple. First, Biggio started as a catcher. Became and All-Star Second Baseman, then moved to Center Field when the Astros acquired Jeff Kent. The guy has played 3 positions up the middle, all well, and he played Center in that horrible hilly outfield at Enron, or whatever it's called, it's always going to be Enron to me. His transition between defensive positions and the success he had at each I don't believe has been matched. Catchers to First. Third to First. Sheffield to anywhere. None of these showed the versatility and strength as a defensive player that Biggio has. And learning a new defensive position does take a toll on your plate appearances. I don't care what anyone says...even Joe Mauer hits better Catching than he does as the DH.

But Biggio never played for another club. He's been an Astro his entire career. And getting his 3,000th hit, at home, in front of his fans, with Jeff Bagwell there to congratulate him, in the clubhouse that he has lead for his entire career was the perfect moment for a guy who has devoted his life to his team. I'm not taking anything away from The Big Hurt for hitting his milestone Homer with a team other than the Sox, but the game has changed, and the fact that Biggio plays in a way with respect and loyalty that would be appreciated by say Ryne Sandberg, makes his milestone even more impressive. People are going to dwell on Biggio's career for about another day...then the day he get's into the Hall of Fame. He's not a big star and has always taken the backseat to guys like Clemens, Pettite, Bags, Beltran, and even Nolan Ryan. But like his changing positions, he knows how to fit a role and he will always remembered as one of the, if not the greatest Astro of all time. Biggio couldn't ask for anything better.

So yesterday was a great day for sentimental stuff. One last thing...4 great players of my generation were selected for induction to the Hockey Hall of Fame: Mark Messier, Scott Stevens, Ron Francis, and Al McInnis. All of these guys dominated on NHL '95 for the SNES. I want to mention that your best friend and mine, Michelle Wie, shot an 11 over 82 in the first round of the US Women's Open. Maybe if she went to college with Kevin Garnett...I also want to mention that Tim Henman is no longer competing in the Gentleman's Championship's at The All England Club. He got beat.

Have a better weekend than me. I will be imagining Noah in a Bulls uniform. Pain.

Hey, Portland. Shut up.

I hate it when the night before drafts, teams tell the world who they are going to select. I hate it.

I remember the whole David Carr thing, and I think that was the first of these little instances. I remember Carr being on the cover of SI when Fresno State was on their little run. I remember their run ending. And I remember the announcement of the expansion Houston Texans making Carr their first pick in franchise history. I don't know why I remember this so vividly, but something is in my brain about seeing him on a G4 landing in Houston a few hours after the draft. Maybe I'm making that up. Maybe it was Roger Clemens. Either way. Nice job Texans on that one...although they didn't have much help in that draft. Fellow top 10 picks Joey Harrington, Mike Williams, Ryan Sims and Bryant McKinnie haven't exactly gotten their groove on in the NFL.

I will never forget where I was when I found out the Texans were going to take Mario Williams. My girlfriend and I were at a bar in Knoxville with a couple friends, eagerly awaiting the final Velcro Pygmies show of our collegiate careers when on the Bottom Line (yeah that's a proper noun) it stated that Mario Williams had signed a deal making him the first pick in the NFL Draft. My buddy Cameron and I were shocked. To this day, Chris Mortensen still talks about how he was the only person, EVER, who saw that coming. Thanks Mort. No one cares. Sterling Sharpe was still the coolest person ever on ESPN NFL Countdown. I hate Michael Irvin.

Setting the Houston Texans terrible organization aside and passing on Roy Williams (the safety) and Reggie Bush, Vince Young, etc, last night it was announced that Greg Oden's "camp" (I am still really wondering what that means. I can't exactly see Oden in a tent in the middle of Central Park. He wouldn't fit. Not to mention, Sam Gerard would find him there, easily.) had been informed that he would be selected first in tonight's draft by the Portland Trail Blazers. Not like we didn't see this coming...but it's so anti-climactic. Can you not just wait a day to tell us? What if something changes? What if Oden fell down the stairs at Madison Square Garden and could never walk again? What if he was finally arrested for murdering the other Dr. Kimball?

How much better would it have been if on NFL Draft day 2006 if NO ONE KNEW that Mario Williams would be the number one pick? How ridiculous would that have been? No one would have known what to do with themselves in the crowd, Steve Young would have just talked about Brady Quinn so it wouldn't have mattered, and Berman would for the first time in his career been speechless. Instead, we had to know the day before. Draft coverage goes on for 365 days. It doesn't stop. It's many fans favorite and most exciting part of the year. But for some unknown reason, someone has to spill the beans.

The worst part about this whole thing? SI has a report that Portland may NOT take Oden and haven't made up their minds yet. LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! All these "sources" report these things. Who are you, sources? All of this would not be an issue if the Houston Texans ceased to exist. And for the sake of making the playoffs, they don't. Hey Tony Boseli, how's your knee? Didn't think so. The Texans are a curse that preside over now more than one sport. Who names their team after their state? The Nashville Tennesseans. The Sacramento Californians. The Washington District of Columbians. Wait, that's actually pretty good.

Teams need to wait. They work on potential deals with players and their agents anyway, regardless if they draft that player. Is it going to speed the process up for Kevin Durant's agent to get a deal done knowing a day in advance he can't get top pick money? I don't think a day is going to hurt him. It didn't hurt anyone back in like '99 when everyone thought the Bulls would take Stevie Franchise...then they took Elton Brand. Suspense. You'd think that since TNT carries many NBA games they'd understand...they know drama. Even in that draft...who thought Pau Gasol was going third? The then "Richard" Hamilton went what, eighth?

Whatever. Portland, Houston, whoever. Shut up. We know you're excited, so are we, so don't spoil it.

The One Armed Man From the Fugitve, Sykes, Is Going to be the First Pick in the NBA Draft

In case you were wondering, that is in fact the same person. Dr. Richard Kimbal was chasing the man to the Northeast of your screen...Greg Oden, in the 1993 thriller, "The Fugitive." (Please excuse Blogger's inability to align pictures. It could be me. I'm blaming them.)

His next target, Kevin Durant.

Someone is going to have to explain to me why Oden is seemingly the consesus #1 pick? Cause he's a dynamite 7 footer? If I'm not mistaken, I don't think he has much of a scoring presence. A great defender in college he was and he will be at the next level, but he can't do anything besides dunk. He does have a killer drop-step, and a decent baby hook, but every time I ever watched him play, he was matched up against someone who was at most 6'10. Easy to muscle those guys around big daddy! You and your fake arm.

Shaq was different...he was going to be bigger than everyone in the NBA. Oden got lucky that SI got a hold of him. The hype around the guy was tremendous...but his buddy Mike Conley was the reason that Ohio State was as successful as they were. I don't think Oden would tell you that. He switched the samples.

I've really been trying to put my hands on a college basketball player I have seen in my lifetime who was more dominant than Kevin Durant. Antwaan Jamison was awfully good. Elton Brand was awfully good. Juan Dixon was one of my favorites...probably because Dicky V named him "Shoes." Tim Duncan was pretty dominant, and he might be the best I have seen...but neither of these players had Durant's all around game. The guy plays defense, he scores, he leads, he wants the ball with the game on the line. He can go inside, he can go outside.

The book on Durant is that he's too fragile. He's what, 6'9 225 or something? That's generous. I didn't see him miss any games this past year...did you? That tiny frame, while averaging 25.8 points also grabbed 11.1 boards a game.

Now. Look at my post from yesterday. Neither of these guys should be making this kind of money, with this kind of attention, this young. Durant is still 18. Oden's too dumb to realize what's happening...which is how Dr. Nichols convinced him that Richard Kimball would be held down by the CPD and US Marshall Sam Gerard. Durant has respect and a class, and has taken on that role as campus icon. He seems to have a better grasp of what he's getting into in his right hand. Note, Oden is missing that limb.

When draft day comes, and if Kevin Durant is selected #1, there will be many shocked people around the sports world. I however, will not be one. Durant is the man. He's the best player I have seen come out of college. Including Oden, there are 3 legit 7 footers going in the top 10. One of them is Chinese. Both of the top 2 picks will struggle early...Durant with the speed of the game and Oden with men his size. Durant is the better player, better prospect, the better pick.

He has no ailments. No record. And Harrison Ford has not yet gotten the best of him. Let's wait till Air Force 1 2...return of Gary Oldman to see how that plays out.

You want a piece of that action?

Shaq Went to College for Three Years before Entering the NBA, Kobe.

Kobe Bryant. What do you think when you hear his name? Too many consecutive 50 point games? #8? #24? Talented?

All of these things are true about Bryant. He is a great scorer...before I talk about what I really think about Bryant, I will point out a few numbers that cannot be disputed.

First, he averaged 31.6 PPG this year, leading the NBA, 35.4 the year before that. He attempted more shots than anyone in the league last year. He also made more than anyone else. Here's what I dig about Kobe. He attempted more free throws than any other player last year and ranks 2nd in attempts per 48 min. That means, he takes about 11 shots per game without any time running off the clock. For an average team, that stat couldn't be more important.

Or could it? Kobe Bryant is without a doubt the most selfish athlete I have ever seen play a sport besides Gary Sheffield. Kobe, a "veteran" on his team should have the job of teaching, involving, and improving the games of the young team around him. Does he do any of that?

There is talk about how Kobe is the greatest player in the game today. That's false. I have talked before about how great players make those around them better. Kobe does not do that. Jordan did. Look at Scottie Pippen. Great player...because he played with Jordan. Without him, he would be no more than an above average player. Jordan knew how to elevate Pippen's game, free up the lane for him while Jordan was drawing a double in the post...etc. The Bron James makes his players better. Larry Hughes was to be the key...the true point guard to get The Bron to the Finals. I believe that it was The Bron, believing in rookie Daniel Gibson, that got them there. That's a maturity beyond his years.

Kobe, the great Kobe, has more talent around him than any of the aforementioned players. Lamar Odom was once almost a #1 pick in the 1999 NBA draft. He ended up going 4th...behind Elton Brand, Steve Francis, and Pau Gasol - decent company. Kwame Brown...#1 pick who does show signs of greatness, when Kobe's off the floor. This Andrew Bynum kid, first round 7 footer, is going to be a player...pretty tough to develop a post game with Kobe taking every shot. Luke Walton, I never thought I'd say this after how much I hated him at Arizona, is the best value in the NBA. The guy plays hard, is a great passer, and is the pedigree of the most ridiculous person, with the most ridiculous jaw, in the history of the television.

Kobe is not a team player... and the best example of this statement is that he demands a trade. How do you play with a guy who doesn't want to play with you? Shaq has a big mouth...but I remember it going down that it was Kobe that drove him out of LA. Shaq's not complaining. He took his role playing to a new level, won a championship with another great team player in Dwayne Wade....who like Shaq, went to college.

Now we hear about another "great" player wanting a trade. And at once, when Kevin Garnett and Kobe were the two big names demanding trades...Garnett could be on his way to join Kobe. All of a sudden, another big name next to Kobe in the lineup and we don't hear anything from him for a few days. Say the Garnett trade goes through, with 2 other teams, how would this effect the Lakers?

Now you have two kids who were on great teams that were dismantled. They have been the center point for the past few years of their franchises. They are both still young, and still incredibly talented. You think Kobe wants his shot total to go down for another 5 star player (Garnett was 7th in FG's attempted last year)?

I once interviewed a sports reporter for a Chicago TV station. I think my paper was about increasing salaries in baseball, but somehow we got off and talking basketball. He told me that he had a job interviewing Kevin Garnett. (Garnett played basketball at Farragut HS in Chicago before going to the NBA) He said he was the rudest kid he'd ever met. He could play, no doubt, but the kid had no people skills. He had no sense for anything besides what he was being given thanks to his talent. Public image wasn't important to him.

So why are we talking about these two prolific NBA stars? It's more than the trade talks and it's more than their potentiality of playing on the same floor. It's about how they cope. Mature people can cope with their situations. Mature people know how to handle situations with class and respect. Mature people know that there is more to a team than what you say there is.

College coaches preach these ethics. Mike Krzyzewski isn't as successful as the Team USA coach as one might imagine because he coaches a bunch of guys, many of which don't believe in morals. They don't respect his record, his championships, and his reputation. They respect the money in their bank accounts (trick question, they don't have money in their bank accounts, they have it invested in rims). Guys like Kobe and Garnett aren't mature enough to. They didn't see past Hurley, Laettner, Hill, Williams, Brand, and...TRAJAN LANGDON. All great players who learned a lot more from Coach K than just the fundamentals of basketball.

Someone posted a comment the other day asking if I was going to write about Paris Hilton. It's funny because I can right now. Paris, like Kobe and Garnett, has been given a great deal of wealth. Now, Paris doesn't exactly have a talent and didn't work to improve anything like the hoops players, but the wealth that was thrown at her without any maturity creates a serious synergy here. Gives her no perspective. She just got out of jail and I hope for her case (no pun intended), she has learned something about herself, about maturity. We won't know for a little while, but if she doesn't, you can still group her with her neighbor, and maybe her soon to be neighbor.

I referred to Kobe and Garnett a few paragraphs back as kids. That's what they are. They will always be kids until they learn to have the maturity of an adult. The best thing that happened to the NBA was the age limit policy with the draft. I wish they would push it back even further. For now, we still have to listen to the sagas of the pre-Madonna NBA stars. Who entered the league as kids, and as "veterans" of the league, still act like ones.

And You Thought Tennis Was Over...Here Comes Wimbledon

Wimbledon was supposed to start off today. It rained instead. It will being soon, I promise. But while it isn't really going on yet, I'd like to take a look at some of the stories that we will be looking for come the tourney's kick off.

Federer - Obviously, going for his fifth in a row at the All England Club or something like that. There's a rumor going around that he's a little beaten up after the French and he backed out of the tune up in Halle, Germany which as you can imagine, he hasn't lost at in five years. He claims to be fine...and Nadal claims he has to alter his own game something fierce to cope with the lack of top-spin he can use on grass. I look forward to seeing Roger's Five Trophy White Blazer next year.

Women - Pretty much no one cares about anything besides Maria Sharapova. This is for good reason. Though it seems that there are some lookers coming up in the world of women's tennis, Sharapova is still the perennial A-Teamer. Other than her, I guess Justine Henin-Hardenne is a big story, coming off the French, again, looking to get her first Wimbledon title, again.

British - This is one of my favorite sports stories every year. There always is a huge to-do about the "Brit in contention" or "with a shot" at Wimbledon. Remember that whole Tim Henman thing? Everyone does. No one should

Henman never had a chance of winning Wimbledon. Why? Well, Pete Sampras is a good reason, and time being another. But Henman, aside from his home field advantage, never possessed a shot at all of a championship. He never really played competitively in any of the other majors...and he never really competitively played well at Wimbledon either.

This year, this Andy Murray guy comes along again. The Brit with a shot. Oh wait, he pulled out with a hand injury. Huge news...huge. The guy didn't have a shot anyway. He doesn't even have a profile at ESPN.com. That's saying something.

I hate the whole British expectancy to compete at Wimbledon thing. At least in America, Andy Roddick has the game to get to a final match in a major...on both sides of the Atlantic. Not like anyone really cares about tennis' form of A-Rod...he and baseball's are pretty much the same. Do great on paper, can't close when it counts. Oh, and their total hot-headed toolbelts. Roddick has been linked to Mandy Moore. She's not even hot. Or cool.

Anyway. There aren't any good British tennis players. There haven't been for as long as I've been alive I'm aware of. In fact, I don't really know of any good British athletes in any sport. There are people who think golf's Adam Scott is British...he's Australian. I think it's his Burberry sponsorship...either way, no dice. Who was that British guy that beat Carl Lewis in the 100? Oh, you don't remember? Me neither.

This year, Wimbledon begins again. Don't get me wrong, it is Tennis' greatest championship. The tradition and class held at the event is unrivaled in any sport. It's fantastic. But don't get caught up in any local hype. Until someone from the neighborhoods can salvage a win somewhere else on tour, don't expect to see one around the corner from the local pub.

Continuing Fascination with Nascar...

I was doing my morning navigation through the sports sites looking for material on what's going on in the world of sports. This topic I just couldn't pass up...it's really too good to be true.

Many of you guys are going to be upset with what I am about to write if you haven't heard about it already...Dale Jr. on his way to Hendrick Motorsports might be ditching his longtime sponsor Budweiser. The ink is fresh on a new contract with Sony...I can't seem to find any of the specifics but it sounds like Sony will be the major sponsor for Dale Jr.

Dale Jr's initial comment?

"I'm a big electronics fan. I'm a big computer guy. It's products I can dig."

Profound.

This coming from the guy who is supposed to be "cleaning up his sometimes scruffy image to match that of his teammates."

"I'm a big electronics fan. I'm a big computer guy. It's products I can dig."

I mean, he gave his comments about the signing from a winery in the Napa Valley, which I guess is a step in the right direction for Dale Jr. cleaning up his image. However, to show up for his press conference to announce the signing...he wore an untucked dress shirt and worn jeans — with Puma athletic shoes though he wants to get a deal done with Adidas. And that sweet beard.

When asked about about computers, Jr. said his father wouldn't get him a computer because he felt the internet wouldn't take off. His sister loaned him some money to get one, but Jr's comment about his father and the internet was:

"That's one place he was wrong and I was right. I took a lot of typing classes in high school."

Outstanding.

What really gets me about this is that the biggest name in Nascar had the biggest name in beer as his sponsor. Nascar and beer pretty much go hand in hand. I know I can't watch a race without it. Thanks to Dale Jr, I have to say that when I think of one sponsor to associate with Nascar, it's Budweiser, not Nextel or Sprint or whoever has the rights to put their name on the Cup. What does this mean for Nascar if Dale Jr. isn't racing a Budweiser car? It just doesn't seem right. I mean, how can Jr. really relate to a lot of his fans with this Sony gig...I think Budweiser went a lot better with his image.

"I'm a big electronics fan. I'm a big computer guy. It's products I can dig."

I guess this thing really is quite the business. But apparently Dale Jr. is more in it for the perks.

"The cash is great, but the product is good, too."

This guy is amazing.

Picture Says it All

Last night was a great night. The Cubs lost...surprise surprise. But if there was going to be one contribution by another player against the Cubs, the best one happened last night.

Sammy Sosa entered the game with 599 career home runs. He will enter his next game with 600. You know the names of the other guys in Major League history with 600 home runs? I do: Aaron, Bonds, Ruth, Mays. Sosa.

Many of you are probably not Cubs fans. That's fine, you know I don't hold that against you. You probably are however, fans of baseball in some way. Regardless if you like any other team besides the Yankees, baseball was a dying sport in the mid-90's. In 1994, two of the best teams we have seen in a while, the Chicago White Sox and Montreal Expos, were poised to make runs at the World Series. The Expos had this 22 year old named Martinez who struck out 142 batters in 24 games. This other guy who played for the Padres, some guy named Gwynn, was hitting .394 on the last day of the season. Only thing is that the last day of the season wasn't in the fall thanks to the strike and this Gwynn guy didn't get a shot to go after .400. 1994 could have been one of the most exciting in MLB history. Instead, it nearly killed it.

Then, 1998 happened. Mark McGwire and...Ken Griffey Jr. got off to fast starts and looked to be poised to make a run at the record of 61 homers in a season held by Roger Maris. Then June happened. Sammy Sosa set a major league record by hitting 20 homers in the month of June. From then on, McGwire and Sosa ran after the record...when Sosa would homer, seemingly in his next at-bat, McGwire would get him back. As we all know, McGwire got to 62 first, finished with 70 - Sosa with 66. Sosa also hit .308 and drove in 158(!) runs while scoring 134. The Cubs went on the make the playoffs.

The 98 season was arguably Sammy's best, and arguably one of the best offensive seasons by any player in history. But his chase of the record with McGwire saved baseball. McGwire, the perennial wild card with the media (Bonds aside) was average with the press and fans. Sosa on the other hand, didn't really know anything different than to just have fun. He embraced the spotlight, kept on hitting, and always had a laugh for you. Yeah, he may not be the brightest bulb in your set of track lighting, but the guy was an entertainer, and baseball needed that in '98. When McGwire hit his 62 home run, against the Cubs, Sosa came in from the outfield to congratulate McGwire in one of the single greatest sports moments I have ever seen. Two rivals sharing a moment of triumph for only one of them. Both doing it with class and smiles. Never in sports have I ever seen anything like this. I don't think many have. And it was the chase, and the class shared by the two chasers that brought baseball back. Back to being what Sammy Sosa would most likely describe it if he had one word to: fun.

Sosa is a lot like my boy Brett Favre. Both play the games hard, and appear to have the most fun. This is what sports are about...fun. Before we get into some more stats...you know what his most impressive ones are? In 1995/1997/1999, he led the league in games played. In 1998 and 2001 he was 9th and 8th...missing a total of 5 games in each of those two years. That's a value.

Sosa is going to the Hall of Fame. There have been eight 60+home runs seasons in MLB history. Sosa has had three of them (I dare you to name the others). From 1998-2003, he was arguably the most feared hitter in the National League and the best right handed hitter in baseball (give or take Manny). The guy has simply had an incredible career. Throw out the steroid use allegations, the corked bat...in fact we were all kind of ready for Sammy to move on after 2004. But in the end, you remember your past. Sammy will always go down as one of the truly loved players in Cubs history, and the shot of McGwire and Sosa after McGwire's 62nd homer is an eternal image in the history of baseball. The summer that two men in an incredible race saved America's past time. Needless to say, Sammy was the MVP in runaway fashion. Mickey Morandini received one vote.

We have all had our issues with Sammy Sosa in the past, regardless of what they were about. I don't think Sammy Sosa would have ever had any issues with us about anything. The guy loves baseball and he loves life. He carries that emotion with him and instills his love to baseball fans wherever he goes, better than most being that there aren't too many parks he hasn't homered in. There hasn't been a superstar in the past 10 years like Sammy...who leaves the business at the door and deals with the press as if they were his friends. Oh yeah, and he's played a little bit. I once heard a line at a baseball camp: "Home runs are a mistake. But, you make 40 mistakes a year, you'll make $6 million." Obviously, this didn't take inflation into account. Yesterday, Sosa made his 600th $6 million mistake of his career against one of the only teams he had never homered against, playing for the team whom he homered first...on the network who televised most of his greatest blasts, against the team wearing the uniform that he will be remembered for adorning. It really couldn't have been a more perfect moment for a guy who has given so much to the game of baseball.

It Doesn't Matter What They Do, Michael Vick and Pacman Jones Will Always Have Jobs

So I had this conversation yesterday with these idealists. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with idealism, but most of the time, idealists are blinded by reality and refuse to believe that their conceptual thoughts will do anything besides exist.

This being said, Pacman Jones came up at the table. Yeah, Pacman was at a strip-club in Atlanta, which reportedly wasn't the Cheetah. This tells you how stupid Pacman is anyway.

After some fellow patron wanted to dance with the evening's Ms. Pacman, the patron was fired upon by part of Pacman's entourage later that night. Pacman was not involved, but brought in for questioning. Turtle doesn't carry a Glock.

Now. Pacman is suspended for what, the entire next season? Yes, perhaps he deserves this. The NFL gets a bad rap from these characters and their shenanigans. But does that stop people from coming? Does this image really hurt the NFL? It gives us reasons to talk about it in June...and people still come to the games.

Why do they come to the games? To see the players of course.

I wanted to ask this person at the table, "Why did the Titans draft Vince Young?" To win? Yes. I was a huge fan of VY and didn't understand why Titans fans wanted Matt Leinart. I mean, I did, he's polished and a pro-style QB, but VY is a winner. His stats last year? Not too great, but like the aforementioned David Greene, he wins. That's what counts. Ask Leinart how many losses he had in college, and how many were thanks to VY.

The Titans also needed a spark. An exciting player on offense to get a buzz going and continue to put people in the stands. Young is one of the most exciting players in the league today. And he's only getting more exciting. Note: I didn't bring this up because I'm right, and the fellow patrons of the table in which I was sitting refuse to believe that anyone besides them is correct.

Pacman Jones is another one of those most exciting players in the league. So too is Michael Vick. Regardless of what they do off the field, what kind of "bad" publicity (any publicity is good publicity) they get from their antics, you're going to watch them play. Do you love watching Ray Lewis? Yeah, he killed people. With weapons, not just his facemask and stare. Even Michael Jordan had a book written about his gambling issues. Pretty sure the NBA has been pointless since he threw Fryon Bryon Russell out of the way to win Ring 6.

The point is...stop caring about what you think should happen to these guys. You're opinion doesn't matter. You don't put people in the stands. You don't make people buy DirecTv just to get NFL Sunday Ticket. Exciting players, regardless of their records, criminal records, do. Do these guys need to be punished? Of course they do. Is Jones' suspension a good thing? Maybe. I guarantee you LP, the namesake of the Titan's stadium isn't too happy about it. Any professional sport is a business. Business' don't work if they don't make money. Realize that.

Mark Cuban does...this is why I would guess he is going to buy a couple players like, or including Vick and Jones when it comes time to put together his UFL. Because Cuban knows you're going to watch them.

One Guy You'll Forget About Tomorrow

Yes sportsfans, today, we get to talk about college football. I don't care about the Spurs. They don't have Jordan, so anything about hoops dynasties is irrelevant. Since there was nothing else going on in sports, old reliable comes out.

There was an article on SI.com...some idiot talking about how Oklahoma's program is suffering and they aren't in contention anymore, blah blah. I was going to write about that but I then realized A. I would be giving into that joker and B. the Big 12 doesn't matter anyway now that Greg Pace is no longer snapping for the Colorado Buffaloes.

So I saw another article written on ESPN.com about the '01 UGA/UT game where UGA won with a few seconds left on the clock. This guy was writing about how it was the best game he'd ever seen, missing his daughter's wedding to go to it (amazing play by the way) and all this. Then it really sparked something with me. One can say that the most successful collegiate quarterback ever to play was the winner in that game.

If I was to ask you the following question, "Who is the winningest D1 college quarterback of all-time..."what would your answer be? Peyton Manning would be a good guess. He's second. What about a Chad Pennington...he won a bunch of games at Marshall? No. Maybe if you go back a ways...like a Kenny Stabler at Alabama? Try again.

David Greene my friends, in case you had forgotten has more wins than any other players in D1 college football at quarterback than any other player before or after him. Greene, an immobile southpaw hailing from the state of Georgia, was the SEC Offensive Rookie of the Year in '01 and SEC Offensive Player of the Year in '02 as a sophomore. His rookie year he was 8-4 as a stater including a loss to in the Music City Bowl to Boston College. His Sophomore season, 13-1 with an SEC title and a Sugar Bowl win over Florida State.

Greene finished his next two seasons with marks of 11-3 and 10-2, both including New Year's Day Bowl victories. You do the math...42-10 as a starter in college football. Not only is his record amazing...but the fact that he did it in the SEC East raises the bar. Every year Georgia draws Tennessee and Florida in the East, not to mention Auburn as a classic crossover game and the in-state rivalry with the ACC's Georgia Tech. Greene didn't get it done with a sense of flash...he was a classic manager of the game. He learned Mark Richt's system (which if you ask Bobby Bowden, displays talent) to the T (not to be confused with a power T) and used his assets to make the game simple. Needless to say, you want David Greene running your business.

Lest we forget...I hate the Georgia Bulldogs, possibly more than the Florida Gators. Probably not though. However, I will recognize that he is the greatest forgotten player, possibly of all time in College Football outsides the state of Georgia, unlike my lack of recognition for Phil Mickelson and Michelle Kwan. They're both terrible. And even while Greene was still there, all the Dawg fans wanted to see DJ Shockley anyway. Yeah, he was fast. Yeah, he could throw hard...but last I looked, Greene won. All the time, and more than anyone else. So next time you're talking about great quarterbacks, you will forget about David Greene. Eric Zeier won't.

I Haven't Decided Yet, but Dale Jr. May be the Reason why Golf could be More of a Sport than Nascar

I've never really been into Nascar. Not to say I haven't tried, I did watch Daytona this year and it was entertaining. At the end. F1 races I can do. There something about Chevys racing Fords racing Dodges that really doesn't do much for me. A Ferrari racing a McClaren? That's a different story.

Now, I do kind of understand this "team" concept of racing. Ricky Bobby helped do that for us...but apparently Jeff Gordon and Kyle Busch didn't see Talladega Nights.

Jeff Gordon is a great racecar driver. Love him or hate him, mostly the latter, that can't be disputed. Dale Earnhardt Jr. is an average racecar driver given his performance the past few years. Love him or hate him, mostly the former, that can't be disputed. Dale Earnhardt Sr. was probably the greatest American racecar driver in history. Love him, and no one hates him, that cannot be disputed.

Where am I going with all this? Jr's current agreement to race with Hendrick Motorsports this year is the biggest free agent signing since A-Rod to the Rangers. Alex Rodriguez, regardless of what the press, fans, or I say has been the best baseball player of the past 10 years. His stats prove it. He isn't proven in the post season. However, he gets his teams to the playoffs. Hopefully, for the sake of humanity, he never delivers in the playoffs.

The Texas Rangers signed A-Rod for his talent and skills. The Yankees traded for those same attributes.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. is by far Nascar's most popular driver. You can't drive anywhere in the South without seeing the 8 in the back of a pickup truck. His red Budweiser car is the most recognizable vehicle on the track. He's also won 2 races in his last 87 starts. Jeff Gordon has won 10 times in those 87 races...Jimmie Johnson has 13.

What am I getting at you may ask? It shows you what Nascar really is...it's about the money. Not that most sports aren't (as far as I'm concerned the Florida Marlins are the best franchise in sports, but we won't go there) but in most sports, the most popular athlete is semi-synonymous with winning. Jr. has done little of that...but his fan base doesn't care. This may say a lot about the loyalty of fans in Nascar, which is to be commended, however, money is based on performance and Jr. has not performed in the past 3 seasons.

But the sponsors keep paying the big bucks for this guy. So Jr. becomes the most valuable racecar driver in the world and he doesn't even have to win. That'd be like the Boston Red Sox saying, "Hey Manny, you don't have to hit today. Thanks." Or the Yankees telling Roger Clemens, "Hey, don't come to the park today." Wait a minute...

Sports are based on winning. Maybe with his new team, Dale Jr. will find some of his old magic. Maybe he won't. Either way, he's getting wealthier by the day. But so too is Nascar and Mr. Hendrick. So what is this event we call Nascar? Is it really a sport? Is it a game? From what it looks to me, Nascar is run by the consumers and major corporations. I'd call it a business before anything else.

The US Open is Starting Tomorrow...Get Excited

They are talking about this year's US Open being the hardest US Open yet. Good.

I think the winner last year came in with a score of +5 or so, give or take of course. That means this year, the winner could come in with a double-digit over par score. This could be amazing.

Oh, I am still taking Adam Scott by the way. I think it's really hard to win tournaments in a row, and Scott conveniently lost the lead in the past two weeks. We shall see what happens.

What's my favorite story about this year's open? Phil Mickelson of course. The following is an excerpt from ESPN.com:

Phil Mickelson looked more like a bowler than a three-time major champion, adjusting the black brace on his left wrist as he stared down the first fairway, an alley lined not by gutters but the gnarly, ankle-deep rough of Oakmont Country Club.

Poor Phil is hurting from his golf game. Sad, sad. I think he is still confused as to why he hit driver last year with the title in the bag. Maybe he's been slitting his wrists over that one. What people fail to remember is that had Mickelson won that US Open, he would have had the chance at the Tigerslam. You know, that ridiculous thing they came up with when Tiger held every major title at once...rename it the Mickelslam...which is more like what I do here on a weekly basis. So winning the Open last year would have given him another shot at taming this whole Tiger phenomenon. Instead he was taming the hospitality tent knocking white balls at it and kissing his US Open Championship good-bye.

So what now...as usual, we are supposed to feel bad for Phil. Why? He's a golfer. He's hurt. He hurt his wrist. Playing golf. Seriously. Then, when he doesn't make the cut, he's going to blame the wrist, cry, and everyone will feel bad for him.

This is golf. Stop crying.

Anyway...lost in a lot of this shuffle are the other guys...Vijay, Ernie, and the Euros. Vijay's been playing OK, Ernie is dead I think, and the Euros (Harrington, Bjorno) and South Africa's Goose only show up to majors anyway. And they always seem to play well. Look for Pad to have another strong outing.

So you see my strongest picks...Scott, Harrington, Vijay. Where are the Americans? Zach Johnson's been playing better than anyone else this year, and did win the last major. However, this tourney isn't in Georgia, making his odds slim to none. Furyk is always a threat, but no one really likes him thanks to the ugliest swing in golf history. David Toms has disappeared, so has DLIII. Then there's Tiger and Phil, but I don't see Tiger winning this one for whatever reason.

American sports have just gone down the tube. Yes, we dominate in football, but the MVP of the NBA this year wasn't born here. Nor was the last one. Baseball's best players aren't American. There was one American man left in the second round of the French Open, and he got Federer. Hockey? Right. You wouldn't know it anyway. And this year, the Open Championship of the United States is most likely to be won by a foreigner. Sad times call for drastic measures...I'm cranking up "Dirty White Boy" ASAP.

Top 10 - Sports Announcers of all time

Sports announcers are the main reason we watch pointless games. Ok, those nights on TBS when all they play is Everybody Loves Raymond is the other reason. Either way...as we all know there are some that are good, some that aren't so great, and some that are down right terrible. Here are the top ten sports announcers, courtesy of No Owens.

10. Johnny Miller - Golf. Don't get this confused with Jon Miller of the Giants and ESPN Sunday Night Baseball. Johnny is great. Tells it like it is..."I don't know what he was thinkin' hittin' that shot Jim. I think he was trying to lose the championship."

9. Pat Hughes/Ron Santo - Chicago Cubs Radio. Most of you have probably never heard these two, but together, they are the best team I have ever heard. Their chemistry together is unmatched and their loyalty to the Cubs is the same. Also, how many announcers make fun of their boothmate for not having legs?

8. John McEnroe - Tennis. Johnny Mac is the man. He's cooler than you and everyone you know. The best part is, you're not doubting it. He brings his coolness to the booth, talks about how great his is and brings that Johnny Miller, "What was he thinking" or in his case, "Can't you see anything?" style to tennis. His brother is terrible. No one cares.

7. Gary Thorne - Hockey/everything. Gary Thorne was the man on ESPN Hockey. He was so good that when ESPN ditched hockey, they put him on to do just about any sport. He's probably done a NASCAR race. Actually, he probably hasn't given his lack of accent. Either way, he's by far the most versatile announcer in the league today.

6. Marv Albert - This man created saying, "From way downtown, BANG" and "Yes, and it counts." Done.

5. Al Michaels - Football. Al makes the list only because I have played craps with him at the Bellagio. Al talks to himself while placing his bets. It's really funny because lots of people talk to themselves, but this is Al Michaels. It sounds like he is announcing his bets. It's amazing.

4. Ken "The Hawk" Harrelson - Chicago White Sox TV - As you know, I am a Cubs fan. However, Hawk is the best baseball announcer in the league. You've all heard the Sportscenter guys say, "You can put it on the booooarddd...YYYYYESSSSSS!" That's Hawk's line. What's better is before the ball leaves and he yells "Stretch!" or after a strike out "He gawn. He'll grab some bench and there's two dead." Or the best, "Get foul, it will."

3. Verne Lundquist/Todd Blackledge - NCAA Basketball. Todd is amazing. He gets really excited and speaks really loud with a muffled voice. It's amazing. His call of "Illinois goes...MAN TO MAN" is among the best in sports. Verne also talks to himself. Strong.

2. Harry Caray - Cubs. No one in history represented sports fans better than Harry. Always drinking, always drunk, sang Take Me Out to the Ball Game hammered. However, this tops them all. I was once watching a Cubs/Expos game back in like 94 or something. Boring game, probably Ken Hill and Shawn Boskie on the mound and Sammy was up. Out of no where, Harry goes..."You know, Sosa spelled backwards, is A Sos."

1. Ian Baker Finch - Golf. Ian Baker Finch is the man. You might not even know who he is. It doesn't matter. He's that Australian guy who announces all the Majors for like 3 holes a day. Somewhere in his airtime, he happens to mention Seve Ballesteros at least 8 times. And then comfortably bashes the players but since he is Australian and "laid back" by definition. No one seems to care.

HOF. Keith Jackson. This man makes no sense. He says "Daylight" if Matt Leinart thinks about giving Reggie Bush the ball. However, LenDale White never saw Daylight. He has a way of making a pointless, and most importantly meaningless intro to the game into a sports moment for the ages. He is simply the man.

Last French Open Note for about 320 Days

I forget who I was talking to the other day, but we were talking about Federer. You know I am a big fan of his, his accomplishments, his ability to adjust his game even when he isn't playing well, and his sheer dominance in one of the most physically demanding sports there is to offer.

The best thing about Federer: his swagger. This is what I was talking about with a buddy of mine the other day and a quote he gave after rolling into his 8th straight Grand Slam Final reminded me of it.

At Wimbeldon, Federer shows up with that sport coat. What the hell is that thing? Who shows up to a tennis match with a custom designed white sport coat and then puts it just to make a statement when he accepts his trophy? You know what? It doesn't matter. Are you going to tell him not to wear it? Maybe someone who beats him there can try to. Oh wait, at Wimbledon that seemingly doesn't happen.

Federer is so cool, that he can get away with doing the most pompous things. He's so cool that during post game interviews, he can say things like he did most recently and make it sound ok.

"I could have lost in three sets," Federer said. "He's an excellent player. It's a superb win for me before the final."

Hang on. Federer won in three sets. If you translate that line from Federerish into, I don't know, Floyd Merriweatherish, it would come out, "That guy was terrible. I beat him in straight sets. I played bad and still kicked him around. See you next time, I'll be wearing my white sport coat."

Translate it into Phil Mickelsonish, "Well Jim, you know, I just didn't have my best stuff today. I'm really glad I got to play in this tournament. I capitalized on a few mistakes and got some shots to fall when I needed to. I'm really looking forward to getting another shot at playing this weekend. You know, I will really try to put together a better game, I'll get with Butch and we'll talk about it. I'm just really thankful that I had the opportunity to play today."

Translate it into Michael Vickish, (Flick off kid in the stands, steal his dog and make it fight with Little Jerry Seinfeld.)

Either way...we know what Federer means, but then again so does he. That's how good he is. He can get away with being delicately arrogant and still hold himself as one of the classier athletes in sports.

What could be interesting is this weekend's final interview. It's the French Open final and apparently Federer isn't playing all that well. We all know he can lose to Nadal, especially at the French. Keep in mind, if Federer wins this weekend, he will have completed a calendar year Grand Slam, the career slam, and the chance to win the real Grand Slam this year. I'm rooting for Federer, most of France isn't. No one really care what the French think though. Either way, it's going to be exciting. Make sure to tune in. At least for the post match interviews.

Apollo Creed and Jackie Joyner-Kersee's Manchild

So the NBA Finals start tonight. This poses one of the most intriguing match-ups in NBA history. I know what your thinking, The Bron James and Bruce Bowen. (LeBron is French for "The Bron." This isn't France.)


No. The most interesting match-up of this series is in fact two players that don't match up against each other: The Bron James and Tim Duncan.


We've been watching The Bron since he was a sophomore in high school. We know that he is the next superstar. He's a physically imposing 6'8 250 who can jump really high. I mean, really high. He takes his game to a new level of excitement with his size, speed and athleticism.


His counterpart, Duncan, is about as exciting as a cheap, brown fold up table. Is he one of the best players in NBA history? Yes. Is he the most un-ntertaining? Yes. The man has a higher layup/yawn ratio of any other NBA player in the last two decades behind James "Buddha" Edwards and The Microwave. So watching these two superstars on the biggest stage, with two completely different styles should be...interesting.


I don't believe that The Bron is a real person. He's 22...been in the league for a few years, and the guy is 6'8 250. The only answer to this is that he was born from Apollo Creed having a slumber party with Jackie Joyner-Kersee. To have the physical stature which James has been given, you can't come from a 5'8 guy and a lady who is 4'11 3/4 (needless to say, my hoops career was over long before it started).


Creed and Joyner-Kersee are the only two logical candidates to produce such a being (this has nothing to do with Carl Weathers). Creed, one time heavyweight champion of the world was as graceful in the ring as he was powerful. His build was beyond imposing upon opposing fighters. But it was his ability to be a showman which too has rubbed off on his illegitimate child, The Bron. Keep in mind that The Bron was born on December 30, 1984...before Creed was murdered by Ivan Drago. (note-had James skin tone been a different pigment, Drago would be the obvious father. That savage Commie bastard. I hate his girlfriend, and I think her mullet was better than Swayzee's.)


Joyner-Kersee added to The Bron that full on athletic prowess. As a gold medalist in the heptathlon, plenty of athletic genes got to her manchild of a son. Keep in mind that The Bron was the second highest football recruit out of Ohio his senior year of high school as a wide receiver. Imagine Calvin Johnson, but bigger, taller, and jumping higher. You don't want that. At 5'9, neither does Nate Clements. If James kept with football, he would be a good eight inches taller than most NFL DB's. His highlight tape was sick. Oh, and who was the number one player from Ohio? Ever head of Maurice Clarrett? Neither has The Bron.


The Bron James cannot be real. The only legit scenario for his existence is above. If only Apollo was here to see The Bron go into the finals for the first time. However, just like in Rocky 1, the challenger doesn't have a chance.

Sweet Pose. Everyone hates you.

First Month Observations

If you have been reading No Owens for the past month, I thank you. And I hope you have enjoyed yourself. If you haven't, I don't care. Stop reading it. Go watch women's softball...alright, I did last night, but even though UT lost, Arizona has some lookers, much unlike the Lady Vols. I know, that doesn't make it ok though.

In the past month, there's been some notes on many different aspects of sports. Some interesting, some stupid, some somewhere in the middle. I was looking over a few stats the other day, and reading a couple of articles that related to what had been written about in the previous month or so. Let's take a look in retrospect as to what was, what could have been, what is and what should never be. (Hello Jimmy Page).

Friday May 4 - If Dirk Nowitski Wins the MVP Baron Davis Should Shave his Beard and Send it to Dirk with a Note that Says - This Beard Owns You.

Since the post, it was clear that the Warriors ran out of steam. They played so hard for so long that at some point, the wheels were going to need some grease. Their out. Dirk won the MVP...not sure if he got a FedEx full of facial hair...but he should be soon.

Tuesday May 8 - $18.5 Million to Play Once Every 5 Games, and Hang Out With Your Kids.

Clemens is struggling with leg issues. His first start was pushed back. His wife is still pretty hot. Rookie of the Year was on last week before I went to work. I was late.

Thursday May 10 - Federer/Nadal blah blah

Federer beat Nadal in the lead up tourney to the French Open. It's going on now, watch it.

May 15 - All 1/5 of the Season Awards

Most everything still looks ok...except Mags needs to be in there somewhere. Oh wait...Helton. Since named to the most prestigious awards list in sports, Helton has gone 15-67. Yeah, that's .223. See ya big guy.

Wednesday May 23 - When Gordon Bombay's Career Ended...

The Ducks are about to win the Stanley Cup. Sweet.

Thursday May 24 - The Biggest Sports Story of the Year...Thus Far

Duke lost. Sweet. No one, besides me, cared anyway.

Friday May 25 - Michelle Why?

Last weekend, she quit mid-round after she almost shot an 88 in an LPGA Tour event. If a non-pro shoots an 88 or worse in a tournament, they are disqualified for the rest of the season. Hey Michelle, I suppose your member-guest is coming up soon. 88 should put you in good contention.

Thursday May 31 - Soriano...terrible

Apparently Soriano, or someone with the Cubs reads No Owens. Since the post, Soriano has gone 15-24. I'm not going to tell you what that comes out to, but it's good. 3 homers, 6 runs. Thanks for putting up the bulletin-board material. I am taking full credit for his recent surge. Lest we forget...in those games? Zero walks...

So there you have it, one month in review. Pretty decent time, plenty of making fun of Michelle Kwan. That will continue. Mickelson bashing? There's plenty more. College football? Wait for it. But fortunately, someone else isn't...read this article. Decent...

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=forde_pat&id=2893905&sportCat=ncf&lpos=spotlight&lid=tab2pos2

Recent Headlines...

There hasn't been too many crazy stories going on in the past couple of days. A few things that have the ability to yank the chain, but nothing that I really could write in great detail about. All this said, it's time to dive into a brief run down of a few stories of the present.

Report: Vick's Va. home was burglarized last month.

In case you missed it, Michael Vick has been allegedly involved with running a dog fighting venue in a house he owns, but doesn't live in, somewhere in Virginia. Stolen were three flat screen TV's, two floor buffers, a vaccuum, an upright washer and dryer, and a couch from that same home. Who owns floor buffers? Multiple floor buffers? It is clear that Jim Edmonds is the theif. I personally don't see much difference in dogfighting and boxing, and neither does Jim Edmonds. Does Edmonds not look like a dog-kicker to you? The TV's were stolen in punishment of the wrong type of poor treatment caused by Vick. Now, Edmonds can watch himself on Sportscenter run away from a fly ball, just so he can turn around and dive for it that much more clearly in the comfort of his own home. His dog better hope he catches it.

Double-A skipper suspended three games for tantrum

That guy, who army crawled through the infield of a minor league baseball game got suspended. Shocker. I mean this guy is obviously a legend. He obviously didn't take a blood test. Have you ever seen anyone do that who wasn't drunk? Caddyshack doesn't count. I know the whole Josh Hancock incident brought about the whole no drinking in the clubhouse ordeal. Apparently, they didn't say anything about drinking in the dugout.

Clemens' MRI shows only disrupted scar tissue

Only disrupted scar tissue. Apparently, these doctors didn't see what happened to Lance Harbor. If Johnny Moxon was around, he wouldn't let the Rocket take the field. Good thing the Yankees don't have a minor league operation in West Caanan. George Steinbrenner=Bud Kilmer.

Donovan had promise with Magic, but UF is a comfy fit

Billy Donovan is a great coach. No one is doubting that. However, apparently he can't make a desicion. How does he makes these decisions so quickly on the court that allow his teams to win back to back National Titles? I would say that his instincts are above average given his outcomes. So why does he then take a step back, analyize the situation and then go back to the Gators? Probably because he looks like a used car salesman...no offense to Bill Paxton in True Lies.

Top 10 Inter-squad Fights You Want to See

In lieu of the Michael Barrett/Carlos Zambrano fight from Friday, I suppose I could write about the whole "Where can the Cubs go from here...What is going to save this team..." type of stuff. The answer to those questions are simple: no where and nothing.

Now that that's out of the way...let's talk about fighting. Was it entertaining to see the two go at it? Yes. Would it have been much better if HBO televised whatever happened in the clubhouse afterwards? Apparently...ask Michael Barrett's face about it. All things aside, we want to see someone go Mike Tyson on a teammate for whatever reason. It makes life more entertaining. Celebrity death-match style...but, like, real. That being said, today, we are analyzing the top 10 fantasy inter-squad duels, for your reading enjoyment.

10. Boston Red Sox - SP Daisuke Matsuzaka v. RP Hideki "Okinawa Iwo Jima" Okajima.

The chances of samurai swords and sais coming out in this bout are high. But seriously, since DICE-K's arrival in Boston, "OIJ" has been just as effective, and certainly more valuable to the Red Sox than his Asian counterpart. Boston's ROI on "OIJ" is considerably higher at $1.25 million...than whatever that number is they are paying DICE-K. P.S...Okajima could have the best billing nickname of all time.

9. Colorado Rockies - LF Matt Holliday v. 1B Todd Helton.

Remember when Helton was arguably the most dominant hitter in the National League? That award can now go to Holliday. Helton has struggled in the past 2 years while Holliday, at under a million a year, is putting up '01 Heltonesque numbers. And Helton can't produce like the olden days with another hitter like Holliday? Holliday is wondering where his $16 million is. I'm taking Holliday by TKO, round 2.

8. New York Mets - SS Jose Reyes v. OF Carlos Gomez.

This would be the most boring fight in history. So boring, that it would be entertaining. You know that Coors Light commercial with Michael Johnson when he does everything really fast like crossing the street before the light turns? That's what this bout would be. Both Reyes and Gomez are two of the fastest guys in baseball. This fight would go the decision...draw, 0-0. No punches thrown or landed for either fighter. Carlos Delgado then would come in and kick both of them around.

7. Seattle Mariners - 1B Richie Sexson v. The Rest of the Team.

If I was a Mariner, I would want my shot at Sexson. He is hitting under .200. He can't touch a baseball. He gets paid way too much. He's 6'8. Ichiro isn't. Not to mention, he is one of the ugliest players in the majors.

6. Seattle Mariners - 3B Adrian Beltre v. The Rest of the Team.

See #7.

5. Chicago White Sox - SS Juan Uribe v. 2B Tad Iguchi.

On the field, the White Sox have one of the most diverse double play tandems in baseball. That tandem is also one of the best defensively. Off the field, their talks of trying to get their countries into the WTO and debates on NAFTA leads to trouble in the clubhouse.

4. New York Yankees - 3B Alex Rodriguez v. Manager Joe Torre.

Torre had a really good thing going. His team won and the tabloids didn't really have anything to write about. They picked up A-Rod...and both aforementioned tables have turned. Yeah, he homered last night to beat the Red Sox, but you know that Torre just wants to knock A-Rod's teeth out for embarrassing his team on and off the field.

3. Chicago Cubs - C Michael Barrett v. SP Carlos Zambrano.

Everyone loves a re-match.

2. Boston Red Sox - DH David Ortiz v. CF Coco Crisp.

This is a title bout. "World's Gayest Name - Big Papi v. Coco Crisp." Big Papi takes it in a split decision...at least Coco Crisp isn't his real name. And he's not named after a cereal. I want to meet this Mrs. Crisp. She's got to be a legend...I wonder what her name is...Rice...Apple...

1. New York Yankees - 3B Alex Rodriguez v. SS Derek Jeter.

This comes as no suprise. They hate each other. Everyone hates them. The funny thing is, they love themselves so much they wouldn't want their nails to break. A-Rod learned his lesson about fighting when he tried to take on Jason Varitek. Jeter should have learned his lesson when he took on the seats down the third baseline. Either way, they both need a good kick in the junk, if they have anything down there in the first place. Who wins this fight? Everyone.